Guy LeCharles Gonzalez
1. Gwyneth Paltrow. Dime a dozen white girl with zero personality and limited acting ability.
2. Neil Gaiman. Just another imaginative writer lacking in fundamental skills. Much ado about nothing.
3. Beyoncé. Destiny’s Child had one good song – Independent Women – before she went solo, and her own album is a testament to the power of good production over talent. Did Jay-Z threaten everyone in the media?
4. Jay Leno. He’s as hit or miss as the wannabes on Last Comic Standing and yet dominates late night.
5. Men. Specifically the ones who believe whistling/catcalling/leering at a woman from their car/window/perch on the corner is somehow appealing.
6. Women. Specifically the ones who seemingly bathe in perfume before getting on the train, and then proceed to apply layers of makeup on their way to work, transforming before my eyes into corporate clowns.
7. Budweiser, Coors, et al. Most major domestic brews are cold piss-water with obscene marketing budgets.
8. Diet Soda. Artificial sweeteners taste nasty and will likely be found to cause cancer 10 years from now.
(8a.)Diet Soda with a Value Meal. The 119 calories you save are irrelevant compared to that fat-magnet Whopper you wolfed down.
9. Yankee fans. Actually, I get them, I just don’t like most of them! Especially at PM rush hour during the playoffs.
10. Bush or Kerry fans. No matter your political leanings or party allegiance, how can anyone actually claim to like or admire either of these scumbags?
11. Gay Republicans. And black ones. And Latino ones. And middle-income ones. And lower-income ones…
About Guy LeCharles Gonzalez
Guy LeCharles Gonzalez works in publishing by day, world domination by night. Over the years he’s lived in Staten Island and South Beach Miami; served in the Jehovah’s Witnesses, US Army, and Dennis Kucinich’s ‘04 Presidential Campaign; won poetry slams, founded a reading series, co-authored a book of poetry, and self-published another; prefers Pumpkin and India Pale Ales, Buffalo Trace and Four Roses Bourbons, and Dona Paula Shiraz Malbec. He’s a devout Mets fan from the Bronx now living in New Jersey, and has a beautiful wife and two amazing kids.
7 Responses to Pumpkin Seeds: Nouns I Don’t Get Edition
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so, with point 11 you are basically saying that it makes no sense that anyone other than rich, straight white people vote Republican? Can’t argue with that. If all the rich, straight, white people left the country, wouldn’t life be…kinda better? I have to pull you up on Gwyneth, though. She speaks five languages and CAN act- just hasn’t been in too many histrionic roles (that oscar speech excepted).
we must sit down and discuss the neil gaiman thing
i agree with you on so much, but this one is really off
I have more of a problem with Usher than Beyonce. Its not just production, dude. Okay so she doesnt write her own songs and her voice isnt as good as Christina’s but she IS pretty, can sing and dance, and for the most part she seems relatively wholesome… (um…relatively compared to Britney and Christina) Nyeh!
Word to your mother on the Leno thing — I actually find him very anti-funny much of the time.
I was part of #9 on Wednesday afternoon. A friend of mine called with an extra ticket. What was I gonna say, no? But yeah, I had to let 3 number 4 trains pass at 59th St because they were packed like sardine cans. Sorry to add to your misery… =)
From what I’ve seen, Leno is only funny when he’s off the cuff…even then, not so much. Letterman is worse. Now Conan O’Brien on the other hand…pure friggin’ genius.
Yes. Yes. Hell yes. Yes. Yeah, we suck. Yes. Yes. Hell yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Heh.