“Depression” is a strong word that I’ve always been loathe to use in reference to myself, but there’s times when I can’t really think of anything more appropriate. I occasionally hit these deep, extended lulls where I feel unusually anti-social and totally overwhelmed by life. The overwhelming side of things is often self-inflicted as “keeping busy” has always paralleled “drinking too much” with me, and as I’ve gotten older and a tad bit more responsible, the former has gotten much worse than the latter. (The latter has shifted more towards periodic bingeing.) Things to do and things to drink have both frequently served as filler for the emptiness – or the helplessness, perhaps? – I tend to feel at these times.
It used to be the poetry stuff that consumed all of my free time, and often went hand-in-hand with drinking too much, and nowadays it’s the comic book stuff, though with significantly less drinking. I’ve already fallen ridiculously behind with my school work, and the Buzzscope stuff has been piling up as I’m trying to accomplish way more with the site than I reasonably can on my own. But I’m a control freak, you know?
Heading out tonight to 13 since Eric is in town, and that means a night of hard drinking and in-the-moment merriment that I will hate myself for tomorrow. The lack of self-discipline, specifically. And not just w/r/t the drinking, but generally speaking, the fact that I can knowingly go into something I shouldn’t, and not just go in, but go in whole hog.
I took an online Asperger’s assessment a month or so ago and wasn’t completely surprised by the results. I had Salomé take it, too, based on how she perceived me. Her test came up with approx. 25 out of 150 matches; a relative blip. I hit 77 matches, much of it on stuff that she wouldn’t have necessarily caught seeing as how well I’ve supressed those traits over the years in an effort to adapt and compensate. One of the things that particularly stood out for me was the whole anti-social aspect of Aspie’s, how they’re not typically good with other people, and how for me, alcohol has always been the key to my sociability, especially around strangers. It was more than a year before the first time I ever took a stage completely sober, and a relatively rare occurence in the years after that.
This, of course, isn’t to say I have Asperger’s Syndrome. It takes more than an online inventory to assess that. But I certainly wouldn’t be surprised, and the idea makes sense when I think about it. I’ve been trying to avoid thinking too much about it, though, because it threatens to be an obstacle. The whole thinking something vs. knowing it. Knowledge is power, but it can also be de-powering, too.
So tonight, I’ll do what I ultimately do best…drink the bad thoughts into oblivion and focus on the good stuff. Friends I don’t see often enough, a wonderful family waiting for me at home, and the hope that the light at the end of the tunnel is real, and not just another ill-fated traveler’s discarded lantern.
Yay, winter! 😐